The idea of leaving.

I realize more and more everyday that my mind is jaded, but who's isn't? It is when it comes to the idea of leaving. People that I've met, who have been born and raised in the same town, the people who can say "this is where I'm from" in a stern voice and be proud of it or not proud of it. The ones who have known and had friends for most of their years. The one's who know all the back roads in the city that they call home. I've never been able to answer that question. The introductory question of "hey what's your name, where are you from?" I always sway my head back and forth, my crooked smile creeps up on the left side of my face and I shake the hand of whomever it may be and say "my name is Jaque and I'm from all over the place." My cheeks turn a little rosy because then I've just set myself up in a conversation where I have to explain myself. Sometimes I just say California and walk away from the conversation. And sometimes I say I was a military brat and still walk away from the conversation. And sometimes I don't say anything at all and turn the conversation to someone else. I don't talk much around new people, well, it actually just depends on who you are. Or if I'm working I talk quite a bit only because I have to. I'm proud of everywhere I'm from. Home is where ever my parents are. This last weekend I went home for a funeral.

I remember talking to a friend a few days before I left and I said "I'm so excited I get to go home this weekend."
I can tell she was confused and said "Aren't you from California, wait a second, where are you going?"
I said "No, I'm not from California, it's just where I lived last, I'm going home to Delaware."
She looked confused and said "Didn't your parents just move there?"
I said "yeah, but that's home. My mom and dad are there."

I like knowing that I will always have that, "a home", just not ever a hometown or people who I can say have known me my whole life besides my mom, my dad, and my sisters and those few and far between family friends.

The idea of staying or to have lived in one spot for that long. Born and raised, stirs my mind up. I can sure wrap my head around it. I understand it, but I don't know what that feels like. I find myself wanting to stay....stay in one spot and be content. I really do. One day, I will stay and have a home and travel often when the time is right. I just got here to New York and I'm ready...ready to go. Can't sit still.

I always thought, "people always leave [me]." Maybe it's not that at all...it's that I always leave them.

"Great expectations. We had the greatest expectations.
Everybody leaves and I'd expect this much from you
I saw tail-lights last night in a dream about my old life
Everybody leaves, so why, why wouldn't you?" Gaslight Anthem