The idea of leaving.

I realize more and more everyday that my mind is jaded, but who's isn't? It is when it comes to the idea of leaving. People that I've met, who have been born and raised in the same town, the people who can say "this is where I'm from" in a stern voice and be proud of it or not proud of it. The ones who have known and had friends for most of their years. The one's who know all the back roads in the city that they call home. I've never been able to answer that question. The introductory question of "hey what's your name, where are you from?" I always sway my head back and forth, my crooked smile creeps up on the left side of my face and I shake the hand of whomever it may be and say "my name is Jaque and I'm from all over the place." My cheeks turn a little rosy because then I've just set myself up in a conversation where I have to explain myself. Sometimes I just say California and walk away from the conversation. And sometimes I say I was a military brat and still walk away from the conversation. And sometimes I don't say anything at all and turn the conversation to someone else. I don't talk much around new people, well, it actually just depends on who you are. Or if I'm working I talk quite a bit only because I have to. I'm proud of everywhere I'm from. Home is where ever my parents are. This last weekend I went home for a funeral.

I remember talking to a friend a few days before I left and I said "I'm so excited I get to go home this weekend."
I can tell she was confused and said "Aren't you from California, wait a second, where are you going?"
I said "No, I'm not from California, it's just where I lived last, I'm going home to Delaware."
She looked confused and said "Didn't your parents just move there?"
I said "yeah, but that's home. My mom and dad are there."

I like knowing that I will always have that, "a home", just not ever a hometown or people who I can say have known me my whole life besides my mom, my dad, and my sisters and those few and far between family friends.

The idea of staying or to have lived in one spot for that long. Born and raised, stirs my mind up. I can sure wrap my head around it. I understand it, but I don't know what that feels like. I find myself wanting to stay....stay in one spot and be content. I really do. One day, I will stay and have a home and travel often when the time is right. I just got here to New York and I'm ready...ready to go. Can't sit still.

I always thought, "people always leave [me]." Maybe it's not that at all...it's that I always leave them.

"Great expectations. We had the greatest expectations.
Everybody leaves and I'd expect this much from you
I saw tail-lights last night in a dream about my old life
Everybody leaves, so why, why wouldn't you?" Gaslight Anthem

January 2012

Holy Crap it's the year 2012. Let's say it again, it's the year Two Thousand Twelve. I have now been living in Brooklyn, NY for 3 months. I spent some key holidays here on the east coast. Halloween in the big city, during a freak snow storm. Thanksgiving I went back to California. Christmas in Seaford, Delaware at my parents new house. and New Year's in Cheshire, Connecticut with a good friend of mine. Can't get away from the planes, the buses, the trains, and the taxi's and my walking feet. I don't own a car so every other mode of transportation seems to work just fine. And I don't like staying in one place for too long. I just moved to New York and I'm working on my next move already. I can't sit still. Sometimes I mistake this for a fault. It has its good and bad. No commitments, no connections, just me. I'm getting better at that though. It's good for me to let my mind run openly and let the thoughts come out of my mouth to form actual sentences. I've been more willing to talk about the past and my life these last few weeks than I ever have. My mind seems to be at ease. Weird. The Christmas weekend spent at home made me realize quite a few things that will be put into action as soon as possible. It's not a new year's resolution, I just happened to realize something within myself around this "new year's resolution" time. This year will be simple, most of my years have been simple minus a few visits to the hospital for my 2 left feet, but bones are meant to be broken??? It's been brought to my attention, more than usual, that I talk about my family a lot. It's hard for me not to. I love 'em. I spent New Year's weekend in Connecticut. "No Crowds. No Lights. Just Fresh Air. And Big [Teeth] Smiles. I Remember Everything." That was my facebook status update in regards to my New Year's weekend. You'll think of me. Now back to work. This concludes my New Year's update. 2011 has passed and now...fresh mind, fresh heart, fresh air. I'll take it.