Slow it down...

And when she stood, she stood tall. She'll make a fool of you all. Don't ask for cigarettes. She ain't got nothin' left for you. I never, she never, we never looked back. That wasn't what we were good at. And when it came to love. We were not good enough for it.

The Yukon stole my heart.

Day 10 July 17, 2012 Tuesday 12:05PM
We just finished rafting our last time down the Tatshenshini River in the Yukon. We are headed to the Tutshi River...Class 4/5 rapids. Yesterday we practiced crossing the river in a big group. It was an epic fail. The rapids swept all of us down river. It was quite hilarious. We slept on the bus last night. Quiet time on the bus. The nights are peaceful here in the Yukon.

My Ipod seems to be the only thing that keeps feeling a little normal. Every time I put the buds into my ears I think of everyone I'm missing and wondering if they are missing me.

A food bus keeps the bears out.

Bob's home during the summer's in the YUKON.

Vicky Cheng says "Human beings have right to admire beautiful things." Her english is not so good, but she always said this to me and it reminded me to just breathe.

Day 12 July 18, 2012 Wednesday 6:20PM
We just finished our second day on the Tutshi River. Bob[our lead guide] says it's a class 5 on some of the sections we were rafting. Today we were a mess. I fell out of our raft and floated for a bit. Bob's wife almost drowned in the rapids. And the other crew flipped their raft. Some bloody noses and black eyes were acquired. We said our good-byes to Bob. He is an amazing man. This year is his 30th year rafting. He is 62 years old with the heart of a 20 year old. I'm officially Swift-Water Rescue certified and guide training is completed for white-water. Hooray.

Tatshenshini River

Tutshi River

Please Carry On

I've closed enough windows to know you can never look back.

The Davidson Glacier

June 7th, 2012 Thursday 8:19 P.M. I had this idea in my head that this departure would be a lot more simple and easy. My mom and dad took me to the airport. She was almost in tears the entire morning. I've always appreciated them in a way not many kids appreciate their parents, but I've never appreciated them the way I did these last 3 1/2 months living at home in Delaware. They are my rock. And I got to spend a lot of time with my little sister Bobbie. She's amazing. My parents have driven me to the airport and picked me up from the airport a million times, but never like this. They parked the car in the parking garage and walked me all the way to security. This time was different. I would be off the grid for up to month at a time and this would be the longest I would go without talking to my mom in all my 25 years of living. I love them. This is the start of an amazing year. Who knows what I'm getting myself into, I just know it'll be EPIC. First stop, Davidson Glacier-a month of mountaineering|my new home.

June 7th, 2012 11:18 P.M. My mind and heart wander ...through cities ...through countries ...through continents ...onto their streets ...onto their mountains ...into their water ...into their beds ...through like minds and strong hearts.

June 21, 2012 Thursday 5:35 P.M. I've had more energy the last 2 days. We are now on the second half of the course. The countdown begins to a good warm meal in peace, a shower, and the comfort of being at my own pace for a few days. Most days are white. Sometimes the skies peak through and show you a little blue, but most days are white. I miss color, bright and shining colors. The white makes you crazy. You can't tell the difference between the ground and the giant mountain in front of you. Everything is white.

Glacier Bay and all Its Glory

here we go. this is the start of the organizing and video making of my travels thus far. it's just the beginning.

We're just fumbling through the grey... Trying to find a heart that's not walking away.

Watch...Listen...Come visit me...I'll see you soon.

blurry but sharp

In a little over 1 year's time, I will have lived in 5 states. Thing's are constantly changing. It's almost as if I don't know any better. That staying in one place just doesn't seem right. In my life thus far, I have moved well...well over 10-15 times(who knows, unless i really mapped it out and sifted through dates and times) and traveled quite a bit nationally/internationally. Things get blurry, but my memory stays sharp. If that makes any sense. Keep moving, gotta keep moving, even if my heart says stay. My mind says keep moving. Turning feelings off, turning them back on, only to turn them back off again. Bittersweet.

"Being raised as a military brat has a way of making things blur together, simply because of how often you have to move. Friends come and go, clothing is packed and unpacked, households are continually purged of unnecessary items, and as a result, NOT MUCH STICKS. It's hard at times, but it makes a kid strong in ways that most people can't understand. Teaches them that even though people are left behind, new ones will inevitably take their place; that every place has something good-and bad-to offer."

I'm so tired of razor blade kisses

The sunrise. the black tide's. rolling in from the cutter's night. A heart beat. a mystery. of five fingers cradling. A new pain. a stiff vein. it's blood red in the pouring rain. I can't feel. the cold steal. peel the skin back and break the seal

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay,
well you tell them everything they wanna hear

This new fire. in my veins. it's too quiet. and I can't explain. the white pills. the fake kills. the screams return and fire at will. You break down and silence the phone
you bite down when no ones at home. it's okay to not want to die alone. cause neither does anyone

it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay,
well you tell them everything they wanna hear

It's too late to crawl off and miss this. I'm so tired of razor blade kisses. my chest gets the best of the carving line. freedom at any time. there's no fear. no boundary lines. no questions. no one to fight. no answers. no coming back this time. seal it and let it fly. god will you take this away. on your back carry some weight. of a bloody fist. a slit of the wrist. you get this. freedom from anyone

The cold metal back of my throat. bite down for the final show. where you cock it back. and pull it fast. to get past
you don't need anyone
you don't need anyone
you don't need anyone...

The idea of leaving.

I realize more and more everyday that my mind is jaded, but who's isn't? It is when it comes to the idea of leaving. People that I've met, who have been born and raised in the same town, the people who can say "this is where I'm from" in a stern voice and be proud of it or not proud of it. The ones who have known and had friends for most of their years. The one's who know all the back roads in the city that they call home. I've never been able to answer that question. The introductory question of "hey what's your name, where are you from?" I always sway my head back and forth, my crooked smile creeps up on the left side of my face and I shake the hand of whomever it may be and say "my name is Jaque and I'm from all over the place." My cheeks turn a little rosy because then I've just set myself up in a conversation where I have to explain myself. Sometimes I just say California and walk away from the conversation. And sometimes I say I was a military brat and still walk away from the conversation. And sometimes I don't say anything at all and turn the conversation to someone else. I don't talk much around new people, well, it actually just depends on who you are. Or if I'm working I talk quite a bit only because I have to. I'm proud of everywhere I'm from. Home is where ever my parents are. This last weekend I went home for a funeral.

I remember talking to a friend a few days before I left and I said "I'm so excited I get to go home this weekend."
I can tell she was confused and said "Aren't you from California, wait a second, where are you going?"
I said "No, I'm not from California, it's just where I lived last, I'm going home to Delaware."
She looked confused and said "Didn't your parents just move there?"
I said "yeah, but that's home. My mom and dad are there."

I like knowing that I will always have that, "a home", just not ever a hometown or people who I can say have known me my whole life besides my mom, my dad, and my sisters and those few and far between family friends.

The idea of staying or to have lived in one spot for that long. Born and raised, stirs my mind up. I can sure wrap my head around it. I understand it, but I don't know what that feels like. I find myself wanting to stay....stay in one spot and be content. I really do. One day, I will stay and have a home and travel often when the time is right. I just got here to New York and I'm ready...ready to go. Can't sit still.

I always thought, "people always leave [me]." Maybe it's not that at all...it's that I always leave them.

"Great expectations. We had the greatest expectations.
Everybody leaves and I'd expect this much from you
I saw tail-lights last night in a dream about my old life
Everybody leaves, so why, why wouldn't you?" Gaslight Anthem

January 2012

Holy Crap it's the year 2012. Let's say it again, it's the year Two Thousand Twelve. I have now been living in Brooklyn, NY for 3 months. I spent some key holidays here on the east coast. Halloween in the big city, during a freak snow storm. Thanksgiving I went back to California. Christmas in Seaford, Delaware at my parents new house. and New Year's in Cheshire, Connecticut with a good friend of mine. Can't get away from the planes, the buses, the trains, and the taxi's and my walking feet. I don't own a car so every other mode of transportation seems to work just fine. And I don't like staying in one place for too long. I just moved to New York and I'm working on my next move already. I can't sit still. Sometimes I mistake this for a fault. It has its good and bad. No commitments, no connections, just me. I'm getting better at that though. It's good for me to let my mind run openly and let the thoughts come out of my mouth to form actual sentences. I've been more willing to talk about the past and my life these last few weeks than I ever have. My mind seems to be at ease. Weird. The Christmas weekend spent at home made me realize quite a few things that will be put into action as soon as possible. It's not a new year's resolution, I just happened to realize something within myself around this "new year's resolution" time. This year will be simple, most of my years have been simple minus a few visits to the hospital for my 2 left feet, but bones are meant to be broken??? It's been brought to my attention, more than usual, that I talk about my family a lot. It's hard for me not to. I love 'em. I spent New Year's weekend in Connecticut. "No Crowds. No Lights. Just Fresh Air. And Big [Teeth] Smiles. I Remember Everything." That was my facebook status update in regards to my New Year's weekend. You'll think of me. Now back to work. This concludes my New Year's update. 2011 has passed and now...fresh mind, fresh heart, fresh air. I'll take it.